Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Stuck
Last night I got so drunk and high and desperate that I called VIF on my cousin's girlfriend's phone. Just to hear his voice. Just to tell him that I'm working on getting my shit together so I can see him again and that I'm not letting my douchebag parents stop me.
I'll steal.
I'll lie.
I'll fucking kill if I have to but I'm not letting this stop me.
And I'm not eating until I get my way.
I didn't tell VIF this.
It would just upset him.
But at least now I'm starving myself for a purpose.
And I'm fucking drunk right now.
sorry.
This is like the fourth day in a row.
I just want to cry, but the tears don't come anymore.
I'm scared because I don't want to use VIF, I don't want to. I just want to love him.
And I think I do. I really think I do.
And I'm not going to let anyone stop me but I don't know what to do right now.
I just want to cry but the tears don't come anymore.
I just want to smash things but I can't see how it'd hep at this point.
I'm just going to self-destruct.
I'd ask for hep, but I'm not sure if I'm worth it.
I'll steal.
I'll lie.
I'll fucking kill if I have to but I'm not letting this stop me.
And I'm not eating until I get my way.
I didn't tell VIF this.
It would just upset him.
But at least now I'm starving myself for a purpose.
And I'm fucking drunk right now.
sorry.
This is like the fourth day in a row.
I just want to cry, but the tears don't come anymore.
I'm scared because I don't want to use VIF, I don't want to. I just want to love him.
And I think I do. I really think I do.
And I'm not going to let anyone stop me but I don't know what to do right now.
I just want to cry but the tears don't come anymore.
I just want to smash things but I can't see how it'd hep at this point.
I'm just going to self-destruct.
I'd ask for hep, but I'm not sure if I'm worth it.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Why I'm Always the Winner
If my parents are trying to get me to self-destruct, they're doing all the right things.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go into a tailspin.
What mommy and daddy don't know is that consequences don't work on people like me. They take away my laptop, my phone, my "privileges" I'll find something, anything, self-destructive to do and it'll drive them wild.
"Laura, how can we get you to stop this?"
"Give me my shit back."
This works, always, because I am the stronger person. They WILL cave before I do. They care more. Caring is like asking to be used.
Whether or not they can see it, I AM the one pulling the strings.
I'm ALWAYS the one pulling the strings.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go into a tailspin.
What mommy and daddy don't know is that consequences don't work on people like me. They take away my laptop, my phone, my "privileges" I'll find something, anything, self-destructive to do and it'll drive them wild.
"Laura, how can we get you to stop this?"
"Give me my shit back."
This works, always, because I am the stronger person. They WILL cave before I do. They care more. Caring is like asking to be used.
Whether or not they can see it, I AM the one pulling the strings.
I'm ALWAYS the one pulling the strings.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Survey
Thanks Mango!
Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
2. Your hair? Long.
3. Your mother? Stupid.
4. Your father? Sad.
5. Your favorite food? Coconut.
6. Your dream last night? Sex.
7. Your favorite drink? AMP.
8. Your dream/goal? Winning.
9. What room are you in? Living.
10. Your hobby? Manipulating.
11. Your fear? Losing.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Apartment.
13. Where were you last night? Hell.
14. Something that you aren’t? Nice.
15. Muffins? Frivolous.
16. Wish list item? Cigarettes!
18. Last thing you did? Sighed.
19. What are you wearing? Bathrobe.
20. Your TV? Off.
21. Your pets? Dead.
22. Friends? Better.
23. Your life? Stilted.
24. Your mood? Sly.
25. Missing someone? Yeah.
26. Vehicle? Imagined.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear. ;)
28. Your favorite store? Eww.
29. Your favorite color? Clear.
30. When was the last time you laughed? VIF
31. Last time you cried? VIF
32. Your best friend? Malleable.
33. One place that I go to over and over? Hell.
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Father.
35. Favorite place to eat? FF's
Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
2. Your hair? Long.
3. Your mother? Stupid.
4. Your father? Sad.
5. Your favorite food? Coconut.
6. Your dream last night? Sex.
7. Your favorite drink? AMP.
8. Your dream/goal? Winning.
9. What room are you in? Living.
10. Your hobby? Manipulating.
11. Your fear? Losing.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Apartment.
13. Where were you last night? Hell.
14. Something that you aren’t? Nice.
15. Muffins? Frivolous.
16. Wish list item? Cigarettes!
18. Last thing you did? Sighed.
19. What are you wearing? Bathrobe.
20. Your TV? Off.
21. Your pets? Dead.
22. Friends? Better.
23. Your life? Stilted.
24. Your mood? Sly.
25. Missing someone? Yeah.
26. Vehicle? Imagined.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear. ;)
28. Your favorite store? Eww.
29. Your favorite color? Clear.
30. When was the last time you laughed? VIF
31. Last time you cried? VIF
32. Your best friend? Malleable.
33. One place that I go to over and over? Hell.
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Father.
35. Favorite place to eat? FF's
Monday, November 2, 2009
What makes you so different?
"Are you scared?" he asks, casually, as if he were asking me if I was tired, or if I wanted a beer.
There are so many things I'm scared of. I'm scared of him changing his mind, I'm scared of fucking this up, I'm scared of waking up one morning and being thirty years old with no job, a boyfriend who beats me and eight kids I can't feed. But, I don't think any of that is what he's asking about.
"Scared of being happy?" I roll over onto my stomach and yawn. I'm trying my best to appear sleepy-eyed and endearing, carefree and content in a way that I doubt I'll ever be. I wonder if he believes this act and thinks I'm cute for it, or if he just thinks I'm cute because he knows I'm trying. I have my doubts as to whether or not I care at this point.
"I actually am," he says, "normally I would sabotage this. But I love you too much. Why are you so different?"
I don't know how to answer this question so I just close the space between us on the bed, lay my head on his chest and pretend to fall asleep. I hope this is a good enough answer for him.
There are so many things I'm scared of. I'm scared of him changing his mind, I'm scared of fucking this up, I'm scared of waking up one morning and being thirty years old with no job, a boyfriend who beats me and eight kids I can't feed. But, I don't think any of that is what he's asking about.
"Scared of being happy?" I roll over onto my stomach and yawn. I'm trying my best to appear sleepy-eyed and endearing, carefree and content in a way that I doubt I'll ever be. I wonder if he believes this act and thinks I'm cute for it, or if he just thinks I'm cute because he knows I'm trying. I have my doubts as to whether or not I care at this point.
"I actually am," he says, "normally I would sabotage this. But I love you too much. Why are you so different?"
I don't know how to answer this question so I just close the space between us on the bed, lay my head on his chest and pretend to fall asleep. I hope this is a good enough answer for him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
